Monday, January 3, 2011

Early Morning Information

After waking about 3:00 a.m. and unable to return to sleep, I turned on the television where I was informed just how mundane my life is.  However, I was offered several products to improve my sad, boring life and save me immeasurable amounts of time. 

First I was offered three rods which when assembled would add twelve feet of space to my closet.  Not only could they be used to hang clothes, but accessories such as purses and belts. These remarkable rods could also be used as a clothes line, guaranteed to cut drying time in half.  It is unclear who is going to time the process. During the entire demonstration, the host of the shopping network repeatedly exclaimed, "Oh my gosh" and "How wonderful" as well as "That's remarkable".  I thought, I could not be a host of a shopping network because I could never marvel over three pieces of stainless steel for thirty minutes.

After that, I was offered a plastic bowl with a lid that, when pushed down with much force, would chop all my fruits, vegetables, boiled eggs and cooked chicken. There were two hosts for this demonstration.  They took turns showing the other what the bowl with the guillotine lid could do.  With each presentation the other host expressed astonishment over the capabilities of the tool.  Completely unsuspecting customers in a grocery store could not contain their enthusiasm when they tried the gadget.  They proclaimed this implement as "the best time saving device ever".

I was then offered a white powder to sprinkle on my food which was guaranteed to make me eat less and lose weight.  The powder is specially formulated to fool my brain into believing that I am full and in turn I will stop eating.  If I only ate when I was hungry, I wouldn't need to lose weight.  If I didn't need to lose weight, I wouldn't need the powder.  If I eat even when I am not hungry, how is the powder going to help me?

Lastly I was offered a plastic big foot with scrub brushes on the inside.  This latest wonder would scrub my feet in the shower and remove dry skin while being safe because I would not have to stand on one foot to wash the other.  Instructions were not given as how to put one foot in the widget without lifting it off the floor.  This offer came with a second foot cleaner free "just pay separate shipping and handling".-- I did that one time.  I ordered something for $9.99 plus $4.95 shipping and handling.  The offer for the second one free popped up on the computer.  Suddenly my bill was $69.99.  Being the master mathematician that I am, I quickly determined that I could log off the computer, log back on and order a second item cheaper than getting a "second one free". 

Each of these products had some merit and I considered ordering them.  I watched as the simple items transformed the lives of the people who used them and the elation of each person over the change.  If one product made them that happy, what would four life changing elements do for them?  The image of breathalyzers, drug analysis, and possible psychiatric evaluation came to mind.  Ultimately I determined to retain my dull, boring, sad, but stable life.

And you thought there was nothing useful on television!
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