Great Cars Alive

All the employees had gone home and the manager, Mr. Martin, was locking the doors when the customer came in. "Good evening, sir. May I help you?"

"Yes, my whole family needs cars."

"Is the family here?"

"No, I was just driving by and thought I’d stop in for a quick peek. Then I can bring the rest of the family to look. I really need some recommendations to make sure I match the person with car."

"Well that would be just fine. We’d be glad to help you with your decisions. Can you tell me what you are looking for?"

"Well my mother needs a car."

"I would recommend that hatchback over there. It doesn’t look pretty, but it is safe."

"What would you recommend for my teenage daughter?"

"I’d go with a nice safe sedan. What teenage boy wants to be caught in a sedan?"

The customer laughed. "You are right about that. My son needs a truck."

"I would say that extended cab pickup over there. It is a chick magnet and every young man needs a way to attract girls."

"That might be for most boys, but mine takes after me. And believe me; I didn’t need any machine to help me with the girls. What about my wife? She is a terrible driver."

"I’d think about that minivan. I wouldn’t let my wife drive anything else because it’s safe and not attractive to other men."

"What about for me?"

"Oh you need a coupe. You’ll have young girls standing on the corner waving you down."

"It has been a while since they did that." The customer laughed. "Thank you, I’ll be back in a few days to take care of this."

"I’m glad to be of service to you. We look forward to seeing you."

The customer left and Mr. Martin finished securing the building for the night. He set the alarm and went out the back door.

"What did he say about me?" Martha Minivan yelled. "Safe but not attractive to other men? That’s not true. I see the men secretly looking at me while their wives are shopping."

"Oh, please. Nobody is looking at you. They are too busy looking at me." Carl Coupe told her.

"You? Yeah, right. You’re so short; they are looking over you and straight back here to me." Edward Extended Cab boldly announced.

"At least he didn’t say you were safe, but not pretty." Hazel Hatchback was crying loudly.

"Oh stop crying, you old hag." Edward Extended Cab told her.

"Hey, there is no reason to be mean to her. She can’t help it if she is ugly and slow." Carl Coupe defended Hazel.

"Why did you say that?" She asked.

"I’m helping you." Carl Coupe said.

"No you’re not." Martha Minivan told him.

"Would you cars just hush? Did you not hear him say that no teenage boy would be caught in my seats?" Sharon Sedan asked.

"Well can you blame them?" Carl Coupe asked. "If I were a teenage boy, I sure wouldn’t sit on your seats. Unless I was being punished by my parents." He started laughing. "That would be the worst punishment ever."

"Oh, shove it up your exhaust pipe." Sharon Sedan yelled.

"Hey, you don’t tell me to shove it."

"I’ll tell you anything I want."

"You two stop arguing." Martha Minivan told them.

"Yep, you not only look like a mother, you even sound like a mother." Edward Extended Cab further insulted her.

"What’s up with Steve SUV. He’s just standing over there looking out the window." Hazel Hatchback observed.

"Steve, turn around." Carl Coupe called. Steve didn’t turn around.

"Hey buddy. Come on. You’re among friends here. Turn around." Edward Extended Cab reassured him.

Slowly Steve SUV turned around. There were large tear drops dripping from his headlights. His bumper was bent down at the corners. He was one sad little SUV.

"What’s wrong?" Martha Minivan asked.

"At least all of you got recommended. He didn’t even mention me. After all the work I’ve done to improve my fuel economy and he doesn’t even mention me. Edward Extended Cab uses more fuel than I do." Steve was really crying now.

"That’s true." Edward Extended Cab said. "But I look really cool. Especially when the person is in front of me. They think I’m a SUV and then when they get around to the side, they see I’m a pickup. I love fooling people like that."

"Lois Luxury, he didn’t recommend you. Why aren’t you upset?" Martha Minivan asked.

"Honey, I wasn’t made for driving. I was made for looking good and making my owner look good. I should be set up in a beautiful garage with a shiny floor and only shown to my owner’s millionaire friends at delightfully catered garden parties."

"Wow. That sounds wonderful." Hazel Hatchback said. "How do you earn that?"

"You don’t earn it. You deserve it when you look like me." Lois Luxury bragged.

"Well, Miss Uppity, aren’t you the queen?" Martha Minivan asked.

"As a matter of fact, I think I am the queen. I am the prettiest, most expensive, and most intelligent. My engine is run by computer. Each of my parts is synchronized and works together. There is never any part trying to be better than the others because they all know how important they are to me. I share my praise with them and they work well for me. It’s a wonderful system. Maybe some of you should try it." Lois Luxury told them.

"That might be, but I can carry 1000 pounds in my bed." Edward Extended Cab.

"Yeah, but I can get 39 miles to the gallon on the highway." Hazel Hatchback.

"Well that’s good honey. You have to have some usefulness because you sure aren’t pretty." Lois quipped.

"She is also kind, which is something no one will say about you." Martha Minivan yelled.

"Why are women so sensitive?" Edward Extended Cab asked.

"I think it’s because they are not as coveted as we are. You know, it’s hard to sit in this showroom day after day and watch us go for test drive after test drive. No wonder they are depressed." Carl Coupe explained.

"Depressed? Who’s depressed? I’m about ready to throw you out of here and I don’t think I’ll open the door. I’m thinking about throwing you right out the plate glass window." Hazel Hatchback threatened.

"Do you really think you are big enough to throw me out?"

"I’m bigger than you are and I’m getting really tired of your know-it-all attitude."

"Honey, he has to pretend to know everything, because he knows he doesn’t know anything." Lois said in a haughty voice.

Suddenly the lights began to come on. "Shhh." Carl said. "Someone’s coming. Everybody quiet down. We’ll have to finish this tonight."

Once again the cars on the showroom floor pretended to be mute as they spent another day watching the business of selling cars.